About Buddy
I was reared in small-town Mississippi. My mother had grown up in a poor farm family. She was influenced by the depression during her childhood. Thus, she imparted to me a psychology of scarcity, meaning that I thought that we would never have “enough” to survive. For whatever reason, my father was abusive. He would have fits of rage, in which he would brutalize my mother. All of us were dreadfully afraid of him. My older brother died when I was twelve years old. My mother divorced my father. She remarried and quickly became pregnant. Her second husband left her when he found out that she was pregnant. That child had cerebral palsy. She has been wheelchair-bound since birth.
I was brought up in a Baptist church. Perhaps in part related to my family situation and in part related to the teaching, I received some revelation of the wrath of God, but no revelation of the love of God. As a result of all of these family and church circumstances, I grew up extremely insecure. I was taught basic moral values and had a keen sense of right and wrong, in spite of the imperfect models to which I was exposed. Basically, I turned all of that insecurity into performance. I sought to excel in sports and in academics in order to compensate for my lack of self-worth. I became the “good little boy” who never did anything wrong in order to try to demonstrate my worth to others.
I considered myself “Christian”. That perception began to change in college when I took a course in World Religions. Basically, I concluded that all men had a religious drive that took various forms, but that none could claim exclusive truth. I began to function totally in my mind, and quit walking in faith. Most people did not notice any difference because I was still highly moral by human standards.
From that background, I completed college at the University of Mississippi, got married, completed medical school at the University of Mississippi Medical School, and had three children. Then I completed a medicine internship, a medical residency program in neurology and one in physical medicine and rehabilitation, and U. S. Army service. At that point, I moved to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, to begin a medical practice. I pursued that just as I had pursued all things. I functioned like the early video game called “Pac-Man”. I gobbled up referrals just as he gobbled up dots. I worked long hours, seven days a week, year-round, with only rare time off. I was on call constantly, since I was in a solo practice for most of those years.
My wife had remained Christian. She occasionally witnessed to me, but often held back, because each time it would tend to end in an argument. I also had a co-worker who often witnessed to me. However, I prided myself on my ability to debate him, and to point out the problems and inconsistencies with Christianity. Both my co-worker and my wife continued to pray for me and to witness to me for many years, but I remained resistant to both. After all, I was capable, energetic, bright, successful, and by most standards, relatively wealthy. What more could I possibly need?
That situation largely prevailed from age 35 until age 50. Over that time, the drain of the medical practice began to take its toll. I exhausted all fleshly energy. I reached a point of crying between patients. Now, I humorously state that life had become a pressing matter. That was because I was suppressed, oppressed, repressed, and depressed. For the first time in my life, I truly cried out to God. I was a broken man. Now that my outer shell of self-dependence had begun to crack, I had finally become open to God. Bible verses memorized in childhood began to break into my consciousness. Comments made by my wife and my co-worker began to have meaning. I read a book by a local Christian author. I attended his church. When I walked in and sat down, I began to experience a peace beyond anything that I had ever known. It was truly supernatural. I knew that I knew that I knew that I was “home”. I turned to Jesus Christ as my saviour. I quickly learned the futility of the righteousness of man before a holy God. I was saved in July, 1995.
From that point on, I began to absorb the Bible, sermons, tapes, and Christian books. God began to answer my questions. He defused all of my prior objections and taught me to rest in Him. He brought me out of the “captivity of the mind” and into His kingdom functioning by faith. My insecurities from childhood are gone. I was freed by receiving the revelation of who Jesus Christ is, and of how He values me. This is independent of my performance and flows out of His love. I am indeed a trophy of the grace of God. Now I purpose to continuously come ever more into unity with Him through the purification process empowered by His grace. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind. I delight in Him, as I now know that He delights in me.
Many testimonies appropriately flow out of obviously difficult circumstances, such as alcoholism, drug abuse, crime, sexual immorality, etc. My testimony is a bit different, in that I was victimized by success. I had a thriving practice, a wonderful wife, three healthy children, a big home, multiple cars, a significant bank account, and a well-funded pension plan as well as good health myself. I was respected by others and was considered an achiever. The problem is that none of those things fulfill my reason for having been created. I was receiving all of the glory and giving none to God. I now understand that He is the only thing in existence that is truly worthy of glory. Stealing His glory was nothing less than self-worship. Thank God that He brought me to brokenness in order to turn me to Himself. May I bring Him glory and pleasure every remaining moment of my life.